I am stepping into 2015 with cautious optimism that this could be the year our dream of expanding our family comes true. I finally have a sense of peace with our situation as we are now at the stage that we have done everything within our control to pursue becoming parents. The sense of anxious urgency has slowing dissipated…now we just wait.
We had our initial consult at the fertility clinic and they are sending me for additional tests. We know there are issues on my hubby’s end of things and will explore further to see what I am bringing to the table. After waiting all of those months to get into the clinic but already feeling resolved that we would not pursue any interventions, I found myself to be feeling quite negative as we were waiting to see the IF Doc. She was pleasant enough, but there was no handshake, no acknowledgement that our experience thus far had been a painful roller coaster, and many assumptions were made that we would automatically be pursuing IVF – I didn’t even bother to tell her about our adoption plans. She walked into the room and shared information that we had been able to google and already find out for ourselves. I know I had my poo coloured glasses on before the appointment even started, but I was disappointed in the experience. Ultimately, the clinic is a business with a potential for making a great deal of money off of us – any smart business person would know that making an emotional and personal connection with the client would help to guarantee a sale but there was certainly none of that!!
After the appointment, I couldn’t help but to break into tears. In reflection, I think that I need to feel that the door on becoming a biological parent is closed so I can resolve my grief, but stepping into that clinic opened some wounds. After some consideration, I decided that I will complete the further testing they suggested, just so we can have some more answers, but we are feeling as firm as ever that infertility interventions will not be in our future.
So where does this leave us? My hubby found out this Fall that he had a varicocele. He is a survivor of testicular cancer so to hear that his one remaining testicle was not fully operational explains the low sperm count numbers. Because his varicocele was symptomatic, he pursued embolization treatment. We are fully understanding that the research is mixed on whether this could help with our fertility. The specialist (and my best friend/nemesis, Google) has indicated that although there can be an increase in sperm count, this does not often lead to an increase in pregnancy rates. We are accepting of this and will continue to passively try to conceive (goodbye fertility monitor, ovulation tracking, pregnancy tests and all of the other gadgets that were making me bat shit crazy).
Bringing me the most peace, excitement, and hope is the fact that our adoption application is complete. We finished our home study which was an experience in itself and will be on the wait list for domestic adoption any day now. There is not a single thing left that I can do. I am done. Now I let go, live my life, and just see where this road takes us. The weight that has been lifted off my shoulders is immeasurable. I know the likelihood of us becoming parents in 2015 is not great due to the long waitlist to be placed, but you never know!
Wishing you all a beautiful 2015 filled with love, luck, and laughter!