Today I found myself standing at the pharmacy checkout at the local Walmart paying for my prescription of clomid and a number of baby related items for a diaper cake I am building for a friend. I couldn’t help but to laugh at the irony. I’m sure the pharmacist tech who rang me up assumed I was being a little too optimistic in clomid’s ability to get me pregnant. I was initially angry the pharmacy could only fill one month of my three month prescription…I marched out of the store mumbling my frustration with how annoying all of this infertility stuff has been. It took me a couple of hours to realize I would have totally wasted my money should the clomid actually work and I don’t need three months worth of treatment. Clearly I have lost all hope for a pregnancy.
I came home and tucked the clomid in a drawer for a few weeks down the road. I retreated into my craft room (or “crap room” as the hubby calls it) and started working away on the diaper cake. I’ve made gazillions of these for family and friends, but none since I found out that our chances of conception were slim. Smelling the diapers and touching all of the baby items stung. The pangs of grief are still there and made a typically enjoyable project feel like a chore.
We had said that we were not interested in any intensive interventions with the fertility clinic (including clomid), but when we went for our “final” appointment last week, it really struck me that we would be waiting at least 2 to 3 years to be selected as adoptive parents. The doc offered clomid and I took the prescription just in case we changed our minds. After lots of internet research, we decided that we would give it a shot. Hubby is a bit more into it than me… the game changer was him saying “remember we said we would open to the universe’s plan for however we are meant to become parents?” I felt that a couple of pills for a few months was the least I could do to contribute to that goal.
Based on my Walmart rage today, I’m clearly doubtful that our clomid intervention will result in a bio mini human, but the countless “clomid success stories” i’ve snooped for on the internet have me holding onto a twinge of hope. But if this does not work, we are officially on the adoption wait list. I’m open, universe. I’m open!