Ever since we completed our adoption application and were officially added to the wait list, I have this weird feeling inside of me that is difficult to put into words. I feel restless… empty. We spent so many months running around trying to get everything in order for the adoption application that it feels weird to have all of this time on my hands again. You can only eat your feelings for so long… I need a project.
I feel most “zen” when I’m crafting. Minutes just fly by and any worry I have disappears. I love Pinterest and painting and decorating and projects. In dreaming of becoming a parent, I have spent many hours anticipating the privilege of creating a nursery. I know exactly how I will decorate and feel so inspired to paint a mural for the room.
Yesterday I asked my hubby if it would break his heart to stare at a mural in an empty room for up to three years. He was so wonderful and gave me his blessing to start this project I’ve been dreaming about for years. I feel at peace with having the room ready before there is an actual baby. I feel like it will help me to stay hopeful. It will allow me to visualize what our future will look like, regardless of whether our child comes to us through adoption or pregnancy.
As excited as I feel about this project, I also feel waves of embarrassment. How will I explain myself when people come to our house? We moved to a new home not super long ago so it seems like we are always giving tours. Will people think I’m totally nuts for starting this room without us actually having a timeline for becoming parents. I think unless someone has actually experienced infertility and that deep longing for something more, it can be hard to make sense of some of my choices.
I would love to hear thoughts from others… is it easier for you if you just stay away from the baby section at the store? Or does buying items here and there help to remind you that in time your dream will come true? Also, if you came to my house for a tour, would you think I am bat shit crazy for painting a kid’s mural with no baby in sight? The anonymity of internet posting makes me hopeful folks will tell it like it is!! I can always put a lock on the door to the room! Haha.