I have survived my most recent “grief binge” and have come out on the other side. The pangs of jealousy and self pity are less potent and more infrequent. I am all too aware that grief will find me again, but for now I will feel gratitude for my optimism.
The phone call from the adoption agency was the turning point. Just prior, I started doing research on IVF – something I had been vehemently against for our situation. But I felt desperate for relief and subsequently ready to let go of our reasoning, just for the possibility of experiencing a pregnancy. The phone call reminded me not not all hope is lost. Although the timing is uncertain, we WILL be matched. It could be three years from now. It could be tomorrow. But the seeds are planted and it WILL happen.
The thought that our lives could drastically changed with less than nine months of warning has reminded me to be appreciative of aspects of my current life. Now, I can prioritize my relationship with my husband, indulge in many of my selfish wants, and sleep in on weekends. The phone call reminded me that my priorities will change in a moment’s notice. I will eagerly trade my freedom for motherhood, but I am grateful for many things in my life in this very moment.
The phone call transported me back to the present. It reminded me that impatiently waiting for my tomorrow disallows me from finding joy in today. Although the phone call did not lead to our match, I am grateful that my hope is restored.