This month marks three years since we first started trying to conceive. Never in my dreams (or more realistically, nightmares) did I ever think that we would be childless three years later. I remember those first few months of trying…the money spent on pregnancy tests days before my period was even due; daydreaming about how we would announce our news; planning our life around hypothetical due dates. I laugh at my naiveté.
Although the last three years have brought much grief and loss surrounding our experience with infertility, I also had many gains that would not have occurred if we had become pregnant when intended. I take solace in these gifts and remind myself this unanticipated journey to parenthood has shaped me for the better.
When we are matched, the gratitude I will have for finally being a mother will far exceed anything I could have experienced had we become pregnant immediately. I aim to be less focused on tomorrow and appreciate the present with my child, because in all likelihood, we will get the opportunity to parent once. When I feel cross, or tired, or anxious, I will remind myself of how much I longed for these moments; the beautiful and the difficult included.
On this not so happy anniversary I am reminded of the divine gift that is parenting. I am grateful for all that I have and all that I hope to receive. Thinking of all my fellow infertiles who are keenly aware of difficult anniversaries such as these…