Christmas felt very difficult for me this year. To be honest, I was dreading it. I wasn’t feeling joyful. I am on call for work for the entire holiday week which I never enjoy. And my Facebook feed was full of pregnancy announcements. I kept telling myself that “Christmas is for children” and “Santa doesn’t come to your house when you’re barren.” I’ve eaten more than my fair share of feelings and opted out of participating in more than the necessary holiday activities. Pity party.
I just finished putting away all of the decorations and cleaning up the house and I feel a relieved. Maybe next year will be different. Maybe an extra stocking will hang by the fireplace.
Despite my thinking pattern essentially guaranteeing me a spot on the naughty list, a couple of really lovely things happened which have brightened my spirit.
I woke up on Christmas day feeling sad and was contemplating doing laundry when I went downstairs to find that Santa had in fact visited our home. Our stockings were full. Bless my hubby. In my stocking was the best card with a very important line – “We may not have everything, but we have a lot.” It reminded me to be grateful.
I spent some time with my nephews and as precious as they are, we always have less patience for kids that aren’t ours. I’m trying to find gratitude for my independence while I still have it.
When I was sharing with a friend my dread for the holiday season, she said she has experienced similar feelings in the past and has reframed Christmas as a time to be in service to others. I love this idea and did my best to do a few more charitable acts than usual this year. Doing a good deed always brightens my spirit.
Lastly, when we shared our plans to adopt last year, my parents offered to purchase us a crib when we felt ready. The one I had my eye on went on sale for Boxing Day and so my parents have ordered it for us. It feels a bit silly making such a giant purchase when it could be another couple of years before we are placed, but a bigger part of me feels more hopeful by committing to something so expensive. This has to happen for us…we basically have a full blown nursery now!
My post around New Years last year naively shared my hope that 2015 was going to be our year. It wasn’t. Some days that fact is incredibly painful and some days feel a bit better. I’m curious to see what 2016 has in store for our little family.