I am a planner. I like to know what is happening and when it will happen. I like to be prepared, to do my research, and to feel competent to handle whatever is coming my way. The wait to adopt makes this damn near impossible. Some days I truly feel this is my destiny – I am in a situation that is so beyond my control I have no choice but to do my very best to cope as gracefully as possible with the daily uncertainty.
I feel envious of those pregnant mommas with their 9-month timelines and socially accepted standards for preparing for their little one. My experience of preparing for what may come our way tomorrow or three years from now has brought many mixed feelings. Some days, planning for our maybe baby is awkward. Shopping for car seats was uncomfortable. Don’t you know they expire? We feel stuck in wanting to have this essential item ready to go but not wanting to purchase it too far in advance in fear it will pass its expiry date. Sometimes preparing makes me feel silly. When I purchased a used glider off of a local buy and sell website, I felt like I had to explain myself as I stared enviously at the seller’s expanding belly. “We’re adopting.” I’m not just some weirdo who likes to collect baby items. Sometimes our purchases make me feel hopeful. After seeing it featured on an infertility blog, I picked up “Wish” by Matthew Cordell. This book makes me weep every time I read it. It alludes to infertility and the deep desire for something that doesn’t come when you plan for it to. But it reminds me that even on our hardest day, we are one day closer to our dream of being parents coming true.
I have been working on our nursery very slowly Time On My Hands – March 2015 . For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed of what our nursery would look like. I love crafting and have taken great pride in handmaking as many elements as I can. Usually when I craft, I get obsessive and finish things quickly, but this project is different. With no timeline, that uncomfortable feeling of this project being “silly” creeps in. When people come to our house and ask for a tour (we haven’t lived here all that long yet), I feel nervous showing them the nursery and tend to over explain myself. I need to remind myself that this is our journey, and we get to choose what we’re comfortable with. But the fear of being judged always lingers in the back of my mind.
I felt incredibly inspired by a recent post from My Perfect Breakdown. She and her husband have recently been matched for international adoption and she touched on a conversation with the birth mother about what factors led to them being chosen. Ultimately, a photo of the nursery made them stand out. We finished our profile book last year and I hadn’t even started the nursery at that point, but after reading that post, I feel more encouraged than ever. Finishing this very personal project, even if it’s years in advance, could be essential in our adoption journey. I’m grateful for reading that post. I don’t feel silly any more. I feel empowered to finish this project on my own timeline, which will be much sooner than if I let the fear of being judged by others creep in.
I will share more photos when it’s finished, but I’m awaiting the arrival of the crib we recently ordered to work on the finishing touches. Somedays I need to close the door because looking at it makes me wish in a way that hurts. But most days the door is wide open because it keeps me hopeful and reminds me that our turn will come.