Discouraged

When I spoke with the social worker on Monday, she said “I would hope to have an update for you on Friday.”  Well Friday couldn’t come fast enough!  Hubby and I discussed how to handle this check in.  As anxious and vulnerable we might be feeling, we recognize that the birthparents are feeling this times a million.  We agreed we would limit our questions and simply ask if there were any additional questions we could answer to help support with this process.

The social worker had no updates for us and said she had not heard from birth mom in a few days and that the agency would be in touch if there was any news.  She again asked whether we would be willing to cancel our trip if needed and I emphatically confirmed we would.  At this point I don’t even want to think about Africa.

Feeling bold and discouraged by the lack of any updates, I asked one of our big questions.  “Are we the only home study being shown right now or are there others?”  The social worker clarified that there are two potential adoptive families being considered.

Somehow, the optimists in us had convinced ourselves we were the only contenders right now.  Knowing that we are being compared and contrasted to another family feels terrifying.  I keep thinking about which of our flaws (because we certainly all have them), may be the reason we ultimately get a “no.”  Even worse, now there is no “Friday” to count down until.  There isn’t a tentative “check in day.”  We are in limbo and have no clue of when we might get our next update.

As much as we are wrapped up in our own feelings, I need to keep reminding myself that the birth family has every right, and ultimately a responsibility, to do their research and make the decision that feels best for them.  And we need to be ok with that resulting in us not being selected, as painful as that may be.  We might go through this exact process multiple times before we are placed.  I clearly need to figure out more effective coping strategies than checking my phone every 5 minutes, dreaming about all things baby, and subsisting off of bags of chips.

Little One – just know that every tear, moment of heartache, and this endless uncertainty was all worth it.  The thought of you finally being here is what gets me through this roller coaster.

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