Anniversary

July marks 4 years since we first started trying for a family.  I remember writing a similar post to this last year wondering how on earth I would survive another year of infertility, and yet somehow, I have.  I have watched many important people in our lives get pregnant.  We have grieved with those close to us who have experienced miscarriage this year.  We await the birth of a new little niece or nephew – the fourth child (and third since we have tried to get pregnant) born to my hubby’s brother.  Life goes on.

Shortly after our most recent adoption wait list fiasco, we attended a baby course specifically for adoptive parents.  We recognized the two other couples in attendance from our adoption agency.  It was painful to go to the class so soon after not being chosen for that potential match, but we learned some good things and hope we don’t forget them all before a little one joins us.

My one remaining close friend who has also been battling infertility almost as long as us, called me this week to let me know they are expecting.  They have experienced miscarriage after IUI and were about to start IVF when they conceived on their own.  I felt beyond thrilled and relieved for her.  But I am grieving my last remaining pal to commiserate with about the joys of infertility.

For the last month and a half, the nursery door has been closed.  We are on hold on the wait list so I have been doing the best I can to not think about babies and to focus on our upcoming trip.  You can never really escape infertility though.  Especially when others’ baby news continues to buzz all around us.

Will I have to write another anniversary post next year?  Odds are, that answer is yes.

 

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4 thoughts on “Anniversary

  1. You are so much stronger than you think you are; all of us forced into this sisterhood are. We keep going even when we don’t think we can. We’re closing in on four years as well (in December), and I’m not sure how I survived either. Sending you strength and light to power on.

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  2. (((Hugs))) I agree with wannabemamab. The strength we develop through battling infertility is amazing. What I share below is my experience. There were times in my journey when I was interested in other woman’s experiences as a source of strength and connectivity to others who were on the same path and there were times when I just wanted to wallow in my grief and didn’t want to hear about someone’s experience . If you are feeling the latter, please feel free to skip over the rest of my comment:).

    We are coming up on year six in August. I have cycled through the grief cycle more often than I can count. Last summer as we were coming up on year five I was so angry–mostly at God–for STILL being in this situation. We are going to be the last of our friends (and quite possibly our family) to have children. We are most definitely going to be the “older parents” (heaven help the first person that mistakes me for our child’s grandmother!) when our child goes off to school. We are most likely going to be utilizing our retirement and college funds at the same time. We thought we would have a family in our early 30s, but now it is looking like we will still be wet-behind-the-ears, new parents in our early 40s. 6 years ago that would have been unfathomable, but somehow as summer turned to fall last year, I began to make peace with the passage of time and when fall turned to winter I made peace with the fact that, at least when it comes to having children, I only have control over my thoughts and feelings and not one darn thing else.

    In addition to waiting to adopt, we are trying a hail Mary IVF using donor eggs. There is only 50% chance that it is going to work. Even if it works, I have never been pregnant and have no idea if my body (which has done nothing but fail me to this point) can sustain a viable pregnancy. There is also a chance that if we do get pregnant, our adoption professional will not renew our contract (the two year contract we originally signed expires in September). This non-renewal would mean we are out almost $20,000 with nothing to show for it. There is not a darn thing I can do about any of it.

    Over the last year, I have shifted my focus from starting our family, to going back to school for an additional degree that will alter the course of career in the years to come. I have taken on a new hobbies (running & writing) and made sure to spend lots of time engaged old hobby (reading). Our marriage has strengthened over our journey and I continue to work at helping it continue to grow. I have also started living my life one day (really more like one week at a time). If I think any further ahead my level of stress and anxiety escalates. Over the last few months I have been more at peace than I have at any point since we decided to start a family.

    Whatever it may look like, I hope you find your path to peace.

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    • Thank you so much for sharing your story, Beth. It sounds like you are so invested in your own wellness and finding other meaningful ways to spend your days as you wish and wait for your family to grow. When I hear a story like yours, I think about how desperately wanted and how deeply loved your future child and children are. I sincerely hope your turn is soon.

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