This week is a perfect example of how no one truly knows the right words to say to us in this strange process, more than likely because those words do not exist.
I have desperately wished for greater acknowledgement from some important people in our lives regarding this adoption process. For the most part, they have asked very few questions and focus on the “real” children within our extended family. This has contributed to me feeling forgotten and resentful.
Well for some reason, our adoption journey seemed to be a major topic of conversation over the past week. Questions were asked and we decided to share our May experience of potentially being matched and having another family selected instead. The “comforting” words offered to me were “Well, at least you know you’re down far enough on the list that you are being looked at. That must mean you’ll be matched again soon.”
This person meant so well and was trying to be hopeful and optimistic for us. But these words felt invalidating of the grief we continue to feel about being so close to having our dream come true only for it to be taken away.
This is the first time in years that I feel like I don’t want anyone to ask how our journey is going. I feel sick of sharing no news/bad news. The offerings of “You’ll be wonderful parents” or “I know you’ll be picked soon” or “You’re getting closer to being matched” don’t feel helpful and contribute to my frustration.
I feel for our friends in family…no one can say anything “right,” which has much more to do with my own feelings than any wrong doing on their parts.
Our one set of friends who were on an adoption wait list before miraculously conceiving on their own have given us the greatest acknowledgment. He said “How devastating! Your experience is like adoption’s version of a miscarriage.” I am so grateful to him for getting it “right.”