We are home. Our adventure in Africa was perfection. Within our first few days away, we were standing in a primary forest in Madagascar searching for lemurs when I felt on the verge of tears. Despite all of the infertility grief of the last few years, in that moment I felt an overwhelming sense that we were meant to be exactly in this place. The universe wanted us to have this trip; a trip that would have been impossible had we conceived or been placed. This brought me a huge sense of peace and acceptance.
We are restored with gratitude for the life we have in Canada…clean drinking water; shoes on our feet; access to health care. Luxuries we often take for granted. We may not have everything we want, but we are reminded that we have so much more than most in this world. And we want to continue to hold on to this renewed sense of gratitude long after the excitement of our summer’s travels fades.
I feel reinvigorated for our return to the waitlist…the waitlist fatigue had dissipated. I feel reconnected with my husband. I feel excited to return to work.
I want to hold on to all of these wonderful feelings but it is an intentional and purposeful effort. A few hours after returned I received a phone call from my brother. He and his wife are expecting. Unplanned. I immediately felt pulled back into life before I left. Jealousy… grief… anger at myself for not being 100% thrilled that I will soon have a niece or nephew. This will be the first grandchild on my side of the family. In my mind, I knew it was very likely that despite being the oldest, my younger siblings would have children before us. But I was most certainly taken off guard for this announcement.
What I feel most sad about is the fact that this news should be so joyful, yet out of empathy and concern, my brother and my parents were very concerned about how to share their news and how we might be feeling. Infertility robs everyone of simple joy.
I am trying to honour that how I am feeling is ok. I want to process this and move on and hold on to everything I gained from my time away.
We are back on the waitlist now.