Home.

We are home.  Our adventure in Africa was perfection.  Within our first few days away, we were standing in a primary forest in Madagascar searching for lemurs when I felt on the verge of tears.  Despite all of the infertility grief of the last few years, in that moment I felt an overwhelming sense that we were meant to be exactly in this place.  The universe wanted us to have this trip; a trip that would have been impossible had we conceived or been placed. This brought me a huge sense of peace and acceptance.

We are restored with gratitude for the life we have in Canada…clean drinking water; shoes on our feet; access to health care.  Luxuries we often take for granted.  We may not have everything we want, but we are reminded that we have so much more than most in this world.  And we want to continue to hold on to this renewed sense of gratitude long after the excitement of our summer’s travels fades.

I feel reinvigorated for our return to the waitlist…the waitlist fatigue had dissipated.  I feel reconnected with my husband.  I feel excited to return to work.

I want to hold on to all of these wonderful feelings but it is an intentional and purposeful effort.  A few hours after returned I received a phone call from my brother.  He and his wife are expecting.  Unplanned.  I immediately felt pulled back into life before I left.  Jealousy… grief… anger at myself for not being 100% thrilled that I will soon have a niece or nephew.  This will be the first grandchild on my side of the family.  In my mind, I knew it was very likely that despite being the oldest, my younger siblings would have children before us.  But I was most certainly taken off guard for this announcement.

What I feel most sad about is the fact that this news should be so joyful, yet out of empathy and concern, my brother and my parents were very concerned about how to share their news and how we might be feeling.  Infertility robs everyone of simple joy.

I am trying to honour that how I am feeling is ok.  I want to process this and move on and hold on to everything I gained from my time away.

We are back on the waitlist now.

 

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6 thoughts on “Home.

  1. First, I’m so happy you had a wonderful time in Africa – please post lots of pictures to remind all of us (and yourself) of that beauty! 🙂

    Second, I do know what you mean about the family thing and feeling behind when the younger ones are having babies…I was the oldest grandchild yet my much younger cousin had his son almost 10 years ago. My brother is much older than me but I swear if his 29 year old son has a kid before me I’m gonna break something!

    I hope so very much that your dreams of family come true soon…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My younger brother (child #3 – I’m #1) beat me to it. Twice. It hurt like hell both times, but probably the worst was when child #2 was born and christened on my dead child’s due date. I just think some people can’t understand the pain. And both parties are within their rights to take some time out. Hope you had an amazing time away- it sounds brilliant.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so happy to hear you had a lovely vacation. Infertility is so all-consuming, it can be so hard to step outside it and enjoy the fullness of life. Your happiness shined through you words… a good reminder that we can still experience joy while in the trenches of family building.

    I share the same experience with my brother. He and his wife got pregnant (trying, but on the first month) and they didn’t tell me for a long time because they said they didn’t know how. It adds insult to injury when your family ignores you in their attempts not to hurt you. I still haven’t figured out how to process their pregnancy, though. To be honest, my husband and I haven’t seen them since they announced. We sent flowers after they told us and I’m trying to act “normal” over text, but the pain is so raw and deep. I’m skipping a family event this weekend because I don’t know how to do it. So, if you figure out how to handle all this, please let me know 😉

    I don’t blog, but have found so much comfort in the writing of others, like you. I feel very alone as we’ve done years of treatment and now wait for an adoption. Thanks for continuing to share your story.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your encouragement in blogging. I agree that infertility is so isolating. It’s only through this blog and comments from people like yourself that I get the validation and empathy I so desperately need some days.

      Best of luck to you as you navigate the complicated feelings that come with your brother’s little one.

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  4. I support the comments already made and can relate to your pain. It’s hard enough to take in general but when there is an u planned pregnancy it somehow hurts even more – the concept of falling pregnant WITHOUT EVEN TRYING is too much sometimes. I will say that it’s good you have kind people in your life who considered the possible impact on you that this news may have. Despite the raw pain, that is something to celebrate. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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