Now that we have experienced “being shown” more than once, I honestly felt less excited to get the news last week that our profile was going out for a viewing again. It feels risky to allow myself to be hopeful. I know too well the heartbreak waiting for me if it’s a “no.” In telling one close friend about the upcoming viewing, she commented on me being so nonchalant. I fear that the more hope I externalize the more it will hurt if we are not selected.
As more days have passed, my husband and I have allowed ourselves to have more conversations surrounding “what if this is ‘the one’?” In reflection, no amount of stifling my excitement about a potential match will ease the hurt of not being chosen in the end.
The longer we have experienced infertility, the less private about our situation we have become. Honestly, it feels freeing to let others know that our profile is out again. And on days where I feel scared to be hopeful, others can carry that hope for us (even when their hope for us feels annoying).
The social worker offered to give us an update this week after she met with birth mom to offer her profiles to peruse. Today I called the agency to check in as I hadn’t heard from them and I could not stop thinking about the birth mom. The social worker was on the other line and never called me back. I cannot imagine that’s a good sign. Even something as small as phone call that goes without return contributes to my failing trust in our agency.
I think limbo is the hardest…knowing something is percolating but not being quite sure when an update might come our way. Broken promises of communication ultimately swirl me into anxiety. I just want to know either way so I can move on with my days and not live in the “what if.”
The little one baking inside birth mom is due Christmas Day.