Since we decided to share our discouragement with our agency, they have been fabulous about checking in with us regularly as promised. As long as they aren’t secretly hating us behind our backs, it feels like reaching out to them and providing feedback was more than worth it.
Update time: Birth mom with the Christmas due date missed her first meeting with the social worker a few weeks back. Her circumstances sound overwhelming and I can imagine that planning too far ahead feels very challenging. Our social worker let us know that she had rebooked to meet with birth mom this past Friday and would be taking our profile along with four others to the meeting. Today, we learned that birth mom was a no show for this visit.
Despite the fact that we have less than a 20% chance of being considered, we are invested in this deeply. We vacillate between allowing ourselves to have excited conversations about becoming parents at Christmas to being totally nonchalant and emotionally closed off. Another missed meeting jolts us back into the reality that birth mom is a long way from making a decision about placement and may be experiencing circumstances far more difficult than what has been shared with us thus far. We feel more afraid than ever to get our hopes up.
The hardest nugget in all of this is that we recently learned that she is pregnant with twins. What a dream come true it would be to have two children! We had long ago given up on the hope of having more than one child. At our ages, it didn’t feel like a realistic goal. Being placed with two children would be incredible.
Through this process I am learning that each potential match, no matter how quickly it comes and goes, takes a little piece of my heart with it. When I think of the birth mothers and the little ones that could have been but were not, I feel a longing I cannot put into words. The list of humans I feel connected to despite never meeting continues to grow as our wait goes on.