On the 13th our agency let us know that they were express mailing a bundle of profiles including ours to the birth mother we first learned about early September. She had missed the meeting with the Social Worker a week and a half prior and as she is a few hours out of town, I guess they decided mailing profiles was the best option. On Thursday, I knew there would be no updates, but I emailed the Social Worker to check in regardless. As suspected, no news…
Knowing our profile is in her hands this past week has made me think about her that much extra. Although we have been aware that she is carrying twins for a few weeks now, it suddenly dawned on us this week that twins rarely make it to 40 weeks. That Christmas Day due date is not so realistic. It could really be a matter of weeks before those little ones arrive and are introduced to their adoptive family.
As a obsessive planner, this experience has been so challenging. The sooner we know whether we are out of the running or that we make it to the next stage of this process, the sooner I can organize my life. We had already purchased one car seat, but of course we would need another. I could take steps to cancel the trip to India I booked in February and may have hope of getting a portion of my money back. I could help my work to prepare for a hasty exit. We could get much needed supplies and make a decision about formula. Or we could grieve and pick ourselves back up again to wait for the next potential opportunity for our greatest wish to come true.
But limbo continues. I am so hopeful we get some kind of an update next week. It feels selfish that I want an answer so badly. I cannot begin to imagine the magnitude of pressure in choosing someone to parent my child. I cannot comprehend the accumulation of anticipatory grief in knowing that the little ones she is carrying will not be hers alone for much longer. But I also honour that our feelings are important in this equation too. And I feel anxious.