Feelings!

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I compulsively check the placement updates on our adoption agency’s website with a frequency that is embarrassing to acknowledge.  Our agency has been stepping up their social media game as of late which only serves to reinforce my checking.

In their most recent set of placement announcements, I recognized the couple in the photo from our adoption seminar in October 2014.  Attending this mandatory seminar was the first official step we took in our adoption journey.  Class #297.  To my knowledge, this is the first couple from our group to be placed.  We never really stayed in close contact with anyone from that seminar but have seen familiar faces in the adoptive and waiting parent support group we sometimes attend.

I  have mixed feelings about this announcement.  On one hand, I feel relief for them.  I know how hard this process is.  They stuck it out through 2 years and 3 months of waiting and they look so incredibly thrilled in their new family photo.  This also means that hopefully, we are that much closer to being matched.  The jerk in me resents them.  They already have one biological child and were experiencing secondary infertility. They have two children, we have none.  Greedy bastards!…I’m kidding…mostly.

I imagine some birthparents dream of placing their children in a family where they will have a sibling and actively look for families who can make this a reality.  I can also understand why a parent would want more than one child.  Until we realized we were experiencing infertility, we always thought we would have two children.  The rational part of me can make sense of why this family pursued adoption.

Waiting to adopt has changed our perspective on us having multiple children.  We are both in our mid 30’s and will likely be mid to late 30’s before we are placed.  Should we choose to adopt again after that, we would not be matched again until we are in our early to mid 40’s. We are not sure that this timeline would be the right fit for us.  Next, knowing how many other families are waiting to adopt an infant and having experienced unbecoming resentment towards “greedy” parents  who have more than one child would make me consider long and hard whether we would want to pursue a second adoption when other families who desperately dream of being parents to a newborn through open adoption are waiting.

Of course, this could always change with time, but this is how I am feeling today.

This is hard to write about.  I follow loads of blogs of folks facing secondary infertility or hoping to adopt a second or third child that I genuinely cheer on and hope for. I recognize that sharing these feelings will make me seem like an asshole.  But seeing someone who already has a child be matched before me does not make me 100% happy for them, just in the way that I do not feel 100% happy watching people conceive two or three children in the time when we have been yearning for one.

Please let this unflattering side of me be a side effect of continued infertility grief and not an indication that I’m selfish jerk.

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