Almost a year ago, the opportunity to travel to India for a friend’s wedding in February 2017 presented itself. This fit well with our commitment to “live life as we know it while we wait.” Until dissolution of the twin placement just recently, I had a very hard time feeling excited for this upcoming trip because I never felt sure it would actually happen.
Unfortunately, my husband won’t be joining me as it’s very difficult (and expensive) to take such a huge chunk of time off in the midst of teaching junior high. He loves to travel, just as I do, but India was not as high on his list. He has been been so supportive in me going without him. This is one of the things I appreciate the most about our marriage…that we cherish our time together while we celebrate and encourage each other’s independence and interests.
I am due to leave in less than three weeks. We agreed that starting today, we would put ourselves on hold for any instant placements until the day of my return. We would keep ourselves active for any opportunities where a birthmother would be due after my return. I called our social worker today to share our wishes.
We put ourselves on hold prior to Africa only to learn our file was out a few weeks later. This lead to an almost match and a lot of frustration with our agency for the lack of transparency. This time, as much as I did not want to ask the question, I knew I had to. “Is our file out right now?”
And once again, it is. To a birthmother due in April. I did not allow myself to ask any other questions and said I would call back in March when I return to take ourselves off hold for instant placements.
The first time I learned our file had been viewed and we were not selected, was months after it happened. I felt so excited to even be looked at that early in the process and there was nothing to grieve because I never had gotten my hopes up. Last May, when we were viewed and spent two weeks in limbo, we were so incredibly hopeful and invested leading to us being absolutely gutted when we were not selected. This fall, we were much more cautious, but waiting over four months to learn the birthmother had disappeared was incredibly disappointing. Here we are again, and the first feeling that came to mind when I learned our file was out was dread. How awful!
Instead of excitement or hope, I immediately thought that we potentially have three months of waiting/anxiety/anticipation only to be rejected once more. I think I am learning to expect it will not work out. My husband was much more excited than me and did a perfect reframe as usual that “we can’t be picked if our file isn’t out.”
I’m at the point where I wish I didn’t know and that our placement is an instant one where I don’t have to spend days and nights thinking we are close only to have it not work out. I think my feeling of dread is self protection. God forbid I allow myself to have hope.
I told my closest pal today about this update and her knee jerk reaction was “how exciting!!” until she saw the look on my face. She empathized with my mixed feelings and asked if she could “hold my hope” for me. How perfect!
For now, I will count the days until my amazing Indian adventure and will approach life as it is meant to be when I return.